Sometimes I just want to disappear; Run away from all the stress and leave everything behind. I want to bleed for a few minutes and suffer from excruciating pain. And then, afterwards, a calming feeling will overcome me. Finally I'll be in peace.

People think it's selfish to commit suicide, but when it does happen, they mourn for a few days, and eventually, they will go on with their lives. The world won't be better off without you, but it wouldn't be worse off either. You can just disappear, and no matter how much these people love you, at the end of the day, they dont care if you stay or not. They will accept your loss, and eventually forget about you.

Vacation's Over

And just like that, my vacation is done. I'll be dragging myself to work again on Friday. I really want to say that I'm looking forwa--- no, I'm not. I'm dreading it. Hahah.

So what did I do for the past two weeks?

Nothing.

Like, literally, all I did was to sleep, wake up at 8pm, eat, surf the net, and then sleep again in the morning. I didn't go out at all (well, that's because I just spent all my money before the New Year, so I was penniless for 14 days, hahaha huhuhu). My mom joked that I was here for two weeks but they just saw me for two hours every day.  (Total exaggeration, by the way)

I'm going back to Quezon City in a few hours. Sigh. I will miss my family. I wish I could stay here forever and work somewhere near here. On the other hand, I'm happy because I'm finally coming home to Kusabi and Miyu and Mayu and Mako!

So, there ya go. Vacation's over! Hooray. *crawls and cries in a corner*

My Coffee Buddy

Less that 24 hours since you left but here I am terribly missing you.

I miss how we'd make ourselves cups of coffee and just sit down and just talk about anything, even the silliest of things. We both like coffee, and that's one of the things I love about you.

And then while in mid sentence I'd suddenly kiss you, leaving you a bit flustered, forgetting your words for a few seconds. Then we'd remember about our coffee.

Crap, it's already cold. We'd then think, "How long have we been talking?"

I'm now taking a sip of my coffee, which has turned cold as well. Ah. Probably because I've been thinking of you so much that I forgot about it too.

====================================================

My vacation is almost over. Ugh, it's over toooo soon. I'm going back to work on Friday. I will try not to remem--- I mean, forget all my system passwords. LOL.

Getting Lost With You

I'm dating a guy who, like me, has no sense of direction.

Somehow, I find that really adorable.

We could travel far places together and get lost within ten minutes of arriving.

Too proud to ask other people for directions, we'd float around for hours, laughing at our predicament.

We'd hold hands and walk aimlessly, talking about random things just to pass the time.

Then we'd stop walking, and finally, we'd get lost in each other's eyes.

Eventually, we'd give in to our egos and finally ask for directions. For some people, this would be a waste of time. But for us, it's worth it, as long as I'm with you.

And I'm sure, the next day, we wouldn't mind getting lost again.

"Everybody come closer to the stage and let's rock!" Our vocalist growled, motioning at the crowd. Everyone moved closer, cheering them on. I didn't have any part in the last song, so I stepped down the stage and watched with the rest of the crowd.

I watched in awe as the started to play, and tears started to fall down my cheeks. I wiped them away, as I just cried at the studio a few hours ago.

I was crying because we have come so far. People finally recognize us. Some people would attend conventions just to see us perform. And we never failed to deliver. These guys have worked hard for it. And, of course, they deserve to be recognized.

Then I realized. They can move forward and achieve even bigger things.

Even without me.

I'm not sure if people are even reading my blog, so I think I can say this.  I feel like they don't need me in the band anymore. They can still go on, with or without me.

I think this has something to do with what happened recently, I'm not quite sure, but I don't feel as excited for a gig anymore, compared to before. I don't feel as motivated to go onstage with them. They can go on without me.

I just don't feel like it's still worth it.

Call me a quitter or whatever, but when the time comes, I'm going to say goodbye to asterysk*.  I know they can still achieve great things. And I will still be here to support them. asterysk* is my baby, and will always be.

I have to admit, I just started watching your Youtube videos recently. I know you've been posting these videos before, but I didn't pay attention to them. (Even though you wanted me to watch them) :P

Did I ever tell you how awesome you are?

(I still think Kurikinton Fox is better tho, haha. I love you anyway <3 )

Cosplay Progress Meme

Because Karin asked me to make one XD

Left pic is my Mikuru Asahina cosplay from 2009. It wasn't my first cosplay, though, I just can't find pictures of my other cosplays before that.

All other pics are from last year. Notice the huge gap in between?

I haven't really taken cosplay seriously until recently. But even then I wanted to cosplay characters that can really relate to. I wanted to cosplay Elizabeth ever since Persona 3 came out, but then again my biggest enemy is my lack of self esteem. But cosplay is now one of my motivations, one of the reasons why my confidence grew.

I didn't really know how to apply makeup then (I still don't, haha) but I've learned that research is the key to good cosplay. I played the games, searched for poses online, and looked for makeup tutorials on Youtube.
Enjoying yourself in cosplay is one thing, but portraying the character accurately is another.

I've got a few cosplans lined up this year, mostly Nintendo characters.

20 Random Things About Me

I've been racking my brains for something intelligent to write about (to no avail). So for now, I decided to come up with a list of random things about me. If you already know most of the things listed here, well, congratulations! Here goes nothing.

1. I have a morbid fear of clowns. This deserves a separate blog post entirely, so I'd write about that in more detail soon.
2. I have no sense of direction. I got lost in SM North once.
3. I'm left handed.
4. I hate waiting. I don't like queuing for anything for more than 30 mins. So if I waited for you for more than that, that means you're special to me. I'm probably slapping your face in my head though but don't worry about it. 
5. I like dark chocolate. The more bitter the better.
6. I eat ketchup straight from the packet.
7. I like anything cheese flavored. Actually, I like cheese. 
8. I don't like spicy food. I remember this one time when my team ordered a bucket of KFC spicy chicken. I was so sad that day, haha.
9. I cry. A lot. Sometimes for no reason at all.
10. I have a very short fuse. I tend to get annoyed easily. I'm trying to control myself recently though. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it.
11. I have a very short attention span. So I apologize in advance if I tend to space out when people are talking to me. 
12. I'm accident prone. When I was in high school, I skipped CAT for the first few weeks. And when I finally gave in and attended, I fell six feet from a rope and sprained my ankle.
13. I'm forgetful. I keep forgetting where I put my stuff most of the time, including my glasses (I wonder where my glases are right now? XD)
14. I like, no, love coffee. I'm still puzzled as to why some people don't like coffee. It's one of the best things ever. 
15. I easily get excited over simple things, like finding out about release dates for a game I want or going on a trip with friends.
16. Speaking of games, I usually don't finish games, probably because I don't want the game to end so soon. So I grind until I get bored and eventually not finish the game at all anyway.
17. I am my biggest critic. I get frustrated when I listen to my vocal recordings because I'm always never satisfied with them. 
18. I'm a romantic at heart. As cheesy as it may sound, I like showing people how much I care about them. This is why I get hurt a lot of times.
19. I can't cook. But I'm trying to learn!
20. I am very shy. No, really. I don't talk to people in real life unless they talk to me first. I'm scared that I might say stupid things so I don't talk at all if that's possible. 

The Last Dance: A Short Story

"Are we there yet?" A male voice demanded.

"Just a little more!" the girl said.

"Mayu, look, I really don't have time for this!" He said impatiently. "Will you please let me go back to the dorm so that I could study in peace?"

"Why are you being such a nerd, Kai?" Mayu whined. "Alright! We're here!"

Kai blinked. "Mayu, this is the auditorium." he said in a blunt tone.

Mayu nodded. "That's right!"

"Why are we here?"

Mayu bounced up the auditorium stage. "I've always wanted to perform on this stage but I never got the chance..." Mayu said in a sad voice. Her eyes suddenly widened. "Hey, do you remember when we were kids? Your mom used to teach us how to dance."

Kai sat at the edge of the stage. "Yeah, she used to be a dance instructor." He chuckled. "I never got that talent from her. She's always so graceful."

Mayu sat beside Kai. "I've always wanted to be like your mom." She squinted her eyes at the bright stage lights.

"You're still not answering my question," Kai said. "Why did you bring me here?"

"The doctor said.. I won't live long... I want ... to ask you something before I die..." Mayu whispered.

"Mayu... Don't say that.. You're not going to die..." Kai pleaded.

"What does it feel like... to be loved?" Mayu asked, ignoring Kai's stare. "I mean, to be romantically involved with someone...?"

Kai sighed. "You will still feel that... You still have plenty of..."

"I'm dying, Kai! Don't you understand that?" Mayu burst out, tears falling from her eyes. "I don't have much time left... That's why.. I want to know... how to be loved..."


Kai did not say anything for a few seconds. He hates it when someone cries in front of him. It makes him feel helpless. He stood up and extended his hand towards Mayu. Mayu looked at him, puzzled. "You're not going to tell me to go home right?" She asked tentatively.

Kai gently smiled. "I'm not too late, am I?"

"Too late for what?"

"Take my hand."

Mayu held Kai's hand. Kai helped Mayu stand up and led her to the center of the stage. Mayu's heartbeat elevated as Kai put his left hand on her waist and held her hand with the other. They started to sway without music, their bodies close to each other.

Mayu smiled as she inhaled Kai's sweet scent. "I.. wasn't expecting you to do this, Kai..."

"What were you expecting?" Kai whispered while gently blowing Mayu's hair away from her face.

"I was expecting you to tell me about that girl you were planning to court..."

"Why?"

"I don't know... I guess I just want to know before I go..."

Kai grinned. "Okay, if you really want me to tell you about her... She is sweet, caring, very active and animated.. and.. well..."

"Well.. what?"

"...she broke my heart..."

"She did?" Mayu asked. "How?"

"She told me.. that she was dying... before I got the chance to tell her how I really feel about her... "

Silence filled the auditorium as they continued to dance. Tears flowed incessantly from Mayu's eyes. "I.. really don't know what to say..."

"I do..." Kai replied. He tightened his grip on Mayu's hand. "I love you."

Mayu leaned her head against Kai's chest. "Thank you, Kai...I'm sorry..." She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

For the first and last time in her life, she felt loved.

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I wrote this almost eight(!!) years ago. Since I'm still suffering from long term writer's block (I made that up), and I'm living up to my reputation as a lazy princess, I decided to repost some of my old stories. 

Here's the original post on Tabulas: http://kairee.tabulas.co/2007/06/01/@1430096/

Dreamsicle: A Start of A Beautiful Friendship

 

A few years ago, I'm this friendless, antisocial little kid. I have hundreds of acquaintances but I haven't considered anyone as a close friend.  And sad as it may sound, I was okay with being alone.

Until I met Ivy and Icel. 

Dreamsicle at Toycon 2013

We formed a singing group, Dreamsicle, in August 2012. At first, I felt like a bit out of place. They've been friends since forever, so I wasn't sure if I'd fit in.

A few months later though, I found myself really enjoying their company. I don't really like going out, except to go to work or attend gigs and practices. But I looked forward to our practices, and I even want to see them outside of gigs and practices, just because.

Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore. 

Cultural Festival with asterysk* and Shinkan

Last year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. And throughout the entire ride, they were both there for me. We may not see each other that often due to our jobs and conflicting schedules, but they were there when I truly needed them. We went beyond talking about cosplay, anime, and song lineups. We talked about our lives, our jobs, our problems, and tried to cheer each other up whenever there's a chance. 

They were an integral part of the life-changing decisions I've made last year. And when I was about to fall down, they were there to catch me and assure me that everything will be okay.

This year, I will be focusing more on my girls. Here's to more cosplays, more gigs, more ramen trips, and more beautiful music together. I love you both!

Tap Titans: Ridiculously Addictive

I was going through the Play Store this morning looking for a new game to play. I stopped playing mobile games since Fantasy Life came out, and I was looking for something to pass the time while waiting for my 3DS to charge.

I found Tap Titans on my list of suggested games and tried it out.

It was one of the best/worst decisions of my life.


Tap Titans is a new android game by Game Hive, the same company who released Beat the Boss.

It's really simple to play. You just tap the monsters when the appear on the screen to attack them until they run out of HP.

Your main character is upgradeable, and can level up using the money you get from killing the monsters. Skills are also available, and you can use them for really tough bosses.

You can also buy minions to fight for you when youre not playing the game. So when you come back, yoi can claim the money they've earned while you're away.


But the thing is, you really wouldn't want to put this game down. It's highly addictive. I've personally played it for two hours straight, my fingers felt like they have muscles already.

You can download Tap Titans here.Android | IOS

First Month

When you consider the length of time that we actually knew each other, one month is insignificant. But it's been a month since I first held your hand. A month since I first stared into your eyes and kissed you.

After all these days, it still feels unreal sometimes.

I learned to do a lot of things I don't usually do. I'm now smiling with my teeth showing in some of my pictures because you said my smile is beautiful. I started appreciating myself because you appreciate me, and you inspired me to start writing again.

 I, in turn, taught you how to cook pancit canton properly, (lol) and showed you how a gentleman should cross the street when he's with a girl (the guy should always be on the side of incoming traffic). 

We still have a lot to learn from each other and about each other, and I'm looking forward to make a lot more memories with you. (If you do manage to teach me how to play a guitar, which is a major challenge because of my limited attention span, then you're awesome :D)

I keep falling in love with you everyday. I love the way you stare at me through your long eyelashes. I love how your hair falls softly around your face (It sounds like I'm describing a girl, haha, jk.) i love the way you squeeze my arms, as if to reassure me that you are there beside me and you will never let go. There are a hundred things I love about you, but I'll save that for a later blog post. :p

Im going home on Saturday so we won't be seeing each other for two weeks. I know you're already dreading it. We can still talk on facebook and send text messages but I know it wouldn't feel the same. Man, wala pa nga pero miss na kita.

Happy first month. I love you.

PS: Put, one month pa lang yan, ano pa kaya kung mas matagal pa, baka nobela na tong tinatype ko. Haha.